Perplexing-Thought-Syndrome

Oh the things that we cannot understand!
Get yourself together!
Get yourself together!
Composure is attractive!
Confidence-
not to be mistaken with egoism
is prominent!
Jump passed the edge
so that you may swim
with the fishes
and so that you may see
how it feels to be steep.
The deep-
Its' ruins scare you
The vast unknown!
Only there will you find her
lurking the grounds
searching for hope-
Hoping that one day
you will arrive!
Wake up you fucking coward!
She is ready for you!
Submit yourself!
Let it be known.

But why?
Why should I make this
even more apparent than it
already is?

By you continuing to hide
you are only further prolonging
what needs to be at the surface.
Clam down.
Breathe.
Relax.
If anyone knows you
it is me!
Take my advice
let this be a lesson.
You've been through this before
Write it down
Reflect, but for gods sake REFLECT!
Remember the mistakes you've made
and don't repeat them!
Why are you even in this situation!!!???
How did you allow yourself to get here?
Ask yourself!
Do you know?
This situation is impossible
because you've made it impossible.
Forget it!
You humor yourself and say
"Oh well, maybe she'll come around"
and your good friends say the same thing
but remember goddammit
the odds are, she will not!
Post it on your walls!
Tattoo it onto your body
For fucks-sake
REMEMBER THIS TERRIBLE FEELING!

So you start again
by weighing the pros and cons
Oh Christ
It's Ruby all over again!
Let it go!
Live a little!

Well you must be a lunatic!
You of all people are telling me to relax?! To live!
I am doing just that! And this is why
I am in the situation that I am in.
Look! I am fighting with myself!

What would your therapist think?
What would a psychologist think?
How would they diagnose this?
Perplexing-Thought-Syndrome?
Instability?
Psychosis?
Bi-Polar?
God I could go on forever
but the point here
is to leave everything behind.
Don't be reckless.
Don't be conceited.
Swallow your pride
and admit that you fucked this one up.

Non-Fiction Collection
©Bobby Ruelas

Continued

We experience this at such a young age.
We are pounded with fear as children
because we've heard the word "no"
more often than "yes".
It's debilitating.
It's excruciating.
And now, 24 years in
you come face to face
with the same situation-
You shrivel up
into your unconscious defense mechanism:
You respond.
But what comes out...Oh you never like
what comes out.
You avert your words
You create stories
The implication process begins.
You hope the other person will say it for you
But no one will say it for you!
No one!

Non-Fiction Collection 2011
©Bobby Ruelas

For Fear of What Your Mother Might Say

You start out by insinuating
your utmost desire for this thing.
Slowly implying its' features
its' benefactors.
Though you hold back
You hesitate to express this desire
for fear of what your mother might say.
She might say no
She might say yes
She might just run off into tangents
attempting to justify why you don't need it.
Instead, you just end up crying
and leaving the toy store unfulfilled.

Non-Fiction Collection 2011
©Bobby Ruelas

In Medias Res

Lower your voice!
High and mighty
it echoes the room
like a cathedral full of sheep.
In Medias Res:
Have I your attention?
You color the world
with a straight smile
and hide behind your eyes.
Your lyrics
poetry
songs
All but stories in which you recite.
And how cleverly rehearsed they are.
You depict yourself as a wicked man
when deep down
you are merely
an honest man
with honest feelings
with the purest of thoughts.

But how do YOU know all of this?
Am I that transparent?
We've only held a conversation
for a mere two hours in total.
How can you claim to know me?
You don't know me!
Why am I even arguing?
At this point of our relationship
I am free to do anything.

So why not fly?
Fly away someplace
where you will never have to see
or think of me again.
All I've said to you
is that you are impossible.
I am intrigued by the way you are
though I cannot find myself with you.
Not yet!
You couldn't have come at a worse time.
Give me a fucking break!
Let me breathe!
Your words can sometimes be suffocating!
I am in love now!
Or at least I'd like to think so.

Time. Time is fluid.
Now patience,
Patience is a different thing entirely.
I've been waiting far too long
for the women that I have thought to love!
Why wait for you!?
You are no different
You are just like the rest of them
childish and confused
curious and crude.
Astonished?
Oh hell, I am only getting started!

Non-Fiction Collection 2011
©Bobby Ruelas

Another Love Poem

How are you something
so distinctive and clear?
How did you manage to get under my skin?
I mean, for fucks sake
I'm thinking of you now
as this ink kisses this paper.
Who are you anyway?
Love?
Lust?
Fear?
I can only hope that you are neither
so that I may suffice this perplexing brainstorm
with riddles and poems.
What did you expect me to say?
That you light up the room when you walk?
That I'm in love with you
or that I'd do anything in my power
just to be with you?
Ha! Well you are wrong!
I will not write a love poem for you
and I will most certainly not
abide by your pretense.
You were impervious to my reply
and it's awkward.
It's awkward to see
the most convincing man
in the process of defeat.
"What shall he do! What shall he do!"
How repugnant!
I am embarrassed to keep writing
For I am afraid of what
you might discover.

Non-Fiction Collection 2011
©Bobby Ruelas